This beast called femicide

I am not safe anymore…

Why???

What happened???

Sssssh!!!!They will hear you…

Speak in a low tone

Who????

That obsessed stalker

Who thinks should have me and no one else

That man who thinks he has invested in me

Because he sent me fare

That man who the society has him believing

That a woman should never say no

That man who had a deadbeat father

And feels like every woman should have a bruised face..

*****—-*****

I am not scared of that hungry street boy

Who grabs my purse

Or the thief in a suit

Who had me fooled was an intellectual

I am scared of that man

With rage in his heart

I am scared of that man

Whose body is burning in anger

That man who will continue having sleepless nights until am done with…

****—**†*

We have grown in a home

Where if a brother,father or husband are home we feel safe..

But look at the so called generation X

Making killing a hobby

Feeling it’s okay to have blood on their hands to be heard…

Encouraged that if she wronged you she deserved to be raped,axed,stabbed or even killed..

The same man protecting you at home,the brother who would never allow a guy so close to you is the same man singing praises on that man’s Instagram post saying she deserved it..

Forgetting he has a mother,sister,daughter or wife home and tomorrow it might be them..

*****—–****

You tell someone you been stalked

They think it’s funny

You complain how obsessed a guy is

And your friends think he loves you too much..

Restraining orders don’t seem to work in our country

Nobody seems to understand how serious the matter is…

Cases in cases out…

But justice never prevails for those innocent lives lost…

People will do everything and anything to prove she deserved it…

Excuses,pathetic stories,fabricated lies

Since they are made to believe she can never be right…

****——*****

We will stand in one for a while

Use hashtags and act all feminist for a week or so

Then we will go back to our busy lives

Leaving the beast to grow so deep in our society…

Will you wait for your sister,mother,daughter or wife to lay lifelessly on her blood???

To understand that femicide is a vice that should be uprooted from our society and that we should kill this beast once and for all

Say no to femicide…

Regards,

Fideh Mwangi

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Depression

I sat by the bar counter

Taking one tequila shot after the other

Dear Lord give me a sign or I will give up…

Save me from this sadness…

I feel like I am drowning and no one to save me…

It’s funny how I wanna die

Because being alive sucks

But at the same time I wanna live

Since I am scared of death

Probably both which doesn’t make sense…

Many times I wanna slit my wrists open

Then I am scared to see my blood, what if it’s blue..

I am scared to see what flows inside me…

Maybe it also doesn’t want to be inside me..

I feel like a shape shifter…

One moment am happy and the next my body is burning up with anxiety and sadness..

My life is slowly drifting away from me and I can do nothing about it…

The colours of my life are fading away and no one seems to notice…

Life feels like a dream…

Sorrows seems to last forever…

I am not okay even thou people see me as brave and fearless…

I am not afraid of darkness, I am afraid of this animal holding me hostage..

I don’t wanna hear that I got this

I just want to know how to get rid of this massive emptiness…

I know when I die people will be like….

I wish she called….

When I wanted you to be there, you thought I was just taking time from the world…

Or being melodramatic….

When I needed you, you were all busy with your lives..

So don’t shed a tear while staring at the cold lifeless me…

Because I needed help, I wanted to be saved and that’s it…

Instead of waiting for me to call,check up on me…

Depression is real..

Regards

@fidehmwangi

Rosy dilemma💕💕💕

Call me a fool, a stupid girl but I loved that skinny tall son of a woman. He might have had big ears but he was mine..

One morning, he dumps me over a voice mail and instead of running to his house to slap sanity back to him I fainted. Who still faints in this era integrated generation X relationships???Maybe a fool with a very high IQ of stupidity and that’s me. Yes me, I am raising my hand over here…What you gonna do??? It’s my right…

I lazily tapped my pen on the table looking at the white plain paper Infront of me…

“This shouldn’t be hard…” I breathed in deeply but my mind was still blank..

I wanted to write him love letter, no probably an apology letterfor something I didn’t do or even compose a song. Can you make your mind already woman???

“Dear mind, I am hurting can you be less brutal..”I yelled at my brain…

For minutes I looked at the paper and all I could do is stain it with my dripping tears..In anger I tore it in pieces screaming, I was like a crazy woman high on Viagra. What colour is Viagra Anywei??

..Why was I mad???Why couldn’t I stop the tears???

I thought to myself I deserved better so I wiped my tears away, took my headphones and lied on the bed..I slowly shut my eyes and allowed the music I was listening to soothe my soul…

I know it was a bad idea listening to heartbreaking songs but I wanted to get emotional…One moment I was feeling the lyrics of the now playing song piercing all the corners of my heart and the next am suddenly on Kiss 100 fm and our favourite song is playing…Either Fate wanted me to remember the good moments we had or Karma was already getting even with me…

I listened at the song as the memories we made playing in a slow motion mode in my mind..For a moment I genuinely smiled. They were the good times while they lasted…

When the song was over, a sudden weird crazy idea popped in my mind…Why should you let him go???Will you let your three years of dating go down the drain????I am even supposed to go there and whip her ass until it changes colours like a rainbow..

I quickly took the headphones off and threw them slightly beside me feeling so motivated that I could take over the world..

Ssssh!!!!It’s not like I wanna change the world, I only run a coffee shop.

…I was like a small girl craving for candy as I scrolled down looking for his number. I was ready to tap at it when something inside me stopped me..

What if she picks up???What if they are making out???

I should probably text him….I tried typing a simple hey but my trembling fingers wouldn’t let me….

Maybe I should WhatsApp him and before he replies I switch off my phone…I swear I didn’t want to but there I was looking at his profile picture…They looked happy,they looked perfect..I guess they were soulmates…Him and I looked like two strangers who were photoshopped..

I could literally feel my heart breaking into pieces as I switched off my phone…I didn’t fight my tears, they needed to flow to make me stronger if ever I was going to be stronger…

He moved on so fast. When he stated he met someone else, I thought he was fooling around, testing the love I felt for him…But I duped myself, he is happy and I am sadder…

Tucked so deep into my duvet, cursing all men and not been ready to take a step ahead…I already had everything planned in my head..

Our wedding date, the number of kids we would have, the design of my wedding gown,the colour of his tuxedo but I guess I would have married myself .Because if I looked into his eyes, it was just some icy broken glasses unable to look past my imperfections. .

I would scream men are trash but it would mean all that time I ate from the trash…So I wouldn’t be any difference from a trash bin…

I know it gets better but now I am gonna stalk him on IG, send him heartbreaking songs on WhatsApp, eat ice-cream and get fat then when am ready to love myself I will look at the mirror and call myself a fool. But for now let me be a fool in love…

Hard to face reality(part two)

“Norman, why are you not picking my calls???”

“I didn’t hear the phone ring….”

I called him right there and then and the phone rung beside him…

“Are you kidding me???I can literally hear it…”

“Sorry maybe it slipped my mind…”

“Slipped your mind???Don’t you know how worried I was????” I stuttered.

“I didn’t ask you to worry, if anything bad had happened to me right now you would have known. Bad news spreads like bushfire…” He replied arrogantly.

“Emma, I was just…..”

“Shut up bitch….”I thundered.

You don’t just slowly steal my man from me and expect me to smile at you…

“Emma, you are been dramatic can we talk in our room???”Norman requested in a calm voice…

“Okay…” He took my hand and walked me to his bedroom.

“What’s wrong with you???”He asked.

“Nigga, what’s wrong with you????”

“Nothing, I am just playing games with Ariana…”

“How comes I have never heard of her????”

“Because I don’t talk of her…”

“You just don’t blue tick me, not pick my calls and expect me to be hell fine..”

How could I not be jealous of a girl who looked like she just walked out of a fashion magazine whereas I just looked like I was there just to fit the earth with women.

Norman was Handsome, very handsome and him having a very well sculptured body was a bonus. How could I not be jealous????

“I know what you need…” He took my hands and pinned me on the wall..

“What….” He cuts me off with a passionate kiss..

He lifts me up and starts doing magic with his hands that am breathless…In a blink of an eye, I am at his feet yearning for more…

His short and boxer are on the floor and he pushed my panty aside and works on me like nobody’s busy…

Was I mad????I can’t even remember…

“So do you want more???”He winked and I smiled,”I am good…”

“So be a good girl and go make us a very good meal…” He kissed me once more, taking away my senses.

“Okay love…”

He spanked my ass and walked back to the living room…

I was still in airplane mode as I cooked some rice and beef stew in the kitchen..

I served the meal, watched them as they played and when it was 7pm at night I went back home..

“Did you kick his ass???”Vicky asked as I slumped on the sofa..

“We had sex….”I said in a low tone.

“And that Ariana girl???”

“She is still playing at his house but trust me there is nothing going on between them….”

“Relationship advice 101,I don’t trust that bitch. Honey you have to start seeing more than the sex or else you going to get hurt…” Lisa advised.

“Can I go sleep, I am tired….” I took my purse and went to my room. Maybe they were right or maybe I was right.

I loved him, he loved me. He was just different I guess…

*****

“Hello, yes Mike. I feel better. Thank you…” I was talking on the phone when suddenly Norman snatched it from me.

“What the….” The next thing was his hand in contact with my cheek…

“Are you seriously flirting in my house????”He grabbed me by the arm…

“He is just a friend…”

“Shut up!!!!”He smashed my phone…

“I trust you with Ariana. Why don’t you trust me???”I snapped.

“Because men are allowed to have girls who are friends but not you…I won’t let another man take you from me…”

He pushed me inside the bathroom and locked me there..

“Stay there until you think about what you have done….”

*******

Hours later….

“You can come out now…..” He opened the door..

I stood up and when I was almost walking past him, he held my hand.

“Food is ready, eat and go sleep…”

“I want to go home, I guess I have had enough for a day…”

I swore if a man ever slapped me , I would never forgive him but here I was almost falling at his mercy..

“I said, go eat and go to bed…”

“And I said I will not. I am going home…”

I pushed him aside and walked to the living room to take my purse when he jogged infront of me…

“Baby, I am sorry. I don’t know what came over me…”He faked a sob..

“I love you, don’t leave…”Then he hugged me,”I will never raise my hand at you again…” I was silent..

“I will buy you a new phone, all I need is for you to be a good girl and go eat smiling after that we will go to bed..”

I could feel his hand lifting my dress up…

“There is nothing a make up sex can’t fix…”

He lifted my dress to my waist and I just stood there as he did his thing..

“I know you are enjoying it and feeling happy…”

“Are you done????I want to go home…” I rolled my eyes..

“No, I am not…I wat you to eat and then we go shower and sleep like we do…” I could see his eyes turn black in rage…

“And I said, I don’t want to. Yes you will…”

I tried getting off his grip but it was hard…He locked the door and took the keys with him to the bedroom…

What was he???He was definitely not a man with blood flowing inside his veins…

I sat at the sofa for a while and when I tiptoed to the bedroom to see if he was asleep, i found him flirting on the phone…

This jerkass.

I knew that I had to play my game well. I walked seductively towards him, snatched the phone from him and begun kissing him.yes I was used to having sex with him and one more time wouldn’t hurt.

“I am sorry I am a bad kitty but here I am now…”

I took off his T-shirt and sat on top of him..I ensured he was all weak and needy that he flipped me over and did what he does best..

Give me a good sex…

After that we slept and before dawn I was out of there…

****

“Wait, he slapped you…”Vicky asked almost losing it.

“Yes, he smashed my phone and locked me up. He is a psychopath…”

“You should break up with him like today, asap…”

“Okay…”

I tried to call him and break up with him but he wasn’t picking up.

So I opted to send him a it’s is over text. Yesterday I saw a different him and I wasn’t willing to die in his arms..

When he read the text, he called…

“Baby, I am ready to change..Can we talk about this. I promise I will be a better man…”

He sounded like he was crying and I fell for it…

“Guys, he said he will change and that’s enough for me to give him another chance because I love him…”

“Bitch, I hope this fake sorry doesn’t explode on your face. When are you going to realise this is a one sided love???”Lisa retorted.

“I know my man and yesterday he was just mad nothing else…I know we will push this through. Let me go check on him before anything else, I left very early even before he woke up…”

Hard to face reality

Sometimes is hard to face reality….

Should I hate him or hate myself???I knew I was worth more than he could offer but I stayed anywei.

Was it because of the sex or I was just scared to let go…

I am Emma, a project manager in Olokai real estate and I am stupid in love with Norman(An entrepreneur)…And this is our love story…

“Norman, I am not cheating on you. We are just friends…” I cried out.

“Friends???Why does he keep on texting you at 9pm??”

“Because he found out I was sick…”

“Okay so you go around publicizing your problems.”

“He is my friend..”

Get out of my house and go be with your lover…”

I slammed the door on my way out and he didn’t come after me.

It was 9pm and I was outside in the tormenting cold.. Smelling all fresh, clean and ready to get laid but as usual Norman is jealous again..

I take an uber back to my house and spend the night away watching grownish..

I kept looking at my phone hoping he would feel apologetic and call but nothing….

“Emma, you should just dump him. Aren’t you tired of him treating you like trash???”My best friend Lisa asked.

“He was just mad, that’s all…”I tried defending him…

“Boo it’s not like you were smashing the guy..You were just talking and you are not so well…”

“But I should only text Norman…”

“Bitch let’s see what Vicky thinks about this…”

Lisa loves to be dramatic…Norman was my man and it was my duty to make him happy..

There we were in a video call with Vicky…

“Don’t tell me Norman was been a brat again???”Vicky sneered and Lisa nodded.

“Maybe he was in a bad mood…” I tried defending him again…

“No booboo, dump that nigga before he sends you to depression. Has he called you???”Vicky asked and I shook my head in disapproval.

“You see, he is as selfish as he looks. There is alot of men out there who would want you Emma so don’t treat that fool like he is the last man in the planet…”Vicky advised and truth be told I didn’t care..

“But the sex is good…” Did I just say that???

“You need Jesus my girl..If that’s what keeping you to that man then I will cut his dick off…”Vicky barked..

“Preach sister but she ain’t gonna listen. She need to learn from her experience..”Lisa commented..

“I know you love me ladies but Norman also loves me..And….”

Before I could finish talking, Norman called.

“You see, he loves me…”I boasted..

“Hello baby,”I answered.

“I need you to cook the pilau and the kuku like I love it. My friends are coming over…”

“But….”

“Be here in twenty minutes…”He hanged up..

“What did he say???”They both asked curiously…

“That he is sorry and wants to take me out later…” I faked a smile..

“But why are you sad??”Lisa asked.

“Because I don’t know what to wear…”

Lisa was so excited and helped me chose an outfit. Little did she know I was going to be the mpishi and not a date..

But it’s was evident he loved my food or else he wouldn’t let me cook for him. Maybe he has boasted to his friends about me and I don’t want him to get disappointed.

After all I have never met them and so maybe after Two years of dating he wants to make it official…

****

“Love, the food is ready. So when are your friends coming???”I asked setting the table..

“Like right now, take the Apron off you look weird…”

Just before I could comment, the door bell rung…

“They are here…”

Norman took a deep breath and opened the door…

They said their hellos and got in…

“So who is this???”One of the girls asked..

“She is Emma, please lets seat and eat.A m starving….”

I thought he would say my girlfriend but no he didn’t bother.

When I was about to sit beside him, he ordered me to get the drinks.

“This smells nice Emma…”The same girl complimented…

“Thank you and you are?????”I asked.

“I am Ariana, Norman’s best friend.” She beamed..

“So Emma you need to teach my girlfriend how to cook?????I only eat noddles when she is around.”One of the boys teased…

“She will definitely do that, she can never go against me or my friends….”Norman replied.

Wait, he didn’t ask for my opinion. What if I didn’t want to????

“Norman, I can’t teach her to cook….” I whispered and he squeezed my wrist,”Shut up”.

“So Norman if you don’t mind, I would want a girl like Emma…”Another guy stated.

“Ask Emma you two can talk about anything you want to…”Norman said in a rude tone. I wanted to be beside my man but he was was busy throwing me into somebody else’s arms..

They continued eating and I was standing beside Norman like a servant. I was invisible and all he did was talk to that Ariana girl…

He didn’t even mind if I was there…

After dinner, I went to the kitchen to wash dishes with a heavy heart and mind full of questions.

Were my friends right???But no, maybe he wanted to give attention to his friends.

“I missed you….”I felt him behind me. Trailing kisses down my collarbone, caressing me.

“Why did you not introduce me to your friends as your girlfriend???” I asked..

“Can we talk about that later???Right now all I want to do is feel myself inside you…”

He took the scouring pad from my hand and twisted me around so as i could face him…

“You know they already know about you. You are almost like my wife Emma..”He whispered cupping my face.

“Do you love me???”

“Yes I do….”He unzipped my dress that it fell on the floor.

He placed me on the counter and started kissing me…. One moment I was angry and the other I was moaning in pleasure…

The next day after the amazing night, he wasn’t picking my calls and all I received was blue ticks in WhatsApp…

I was devastated. Was he okay?????

Finally at Midnight he called…

“Hello Norman???”

“Take an uber and come right now. I want us to have a little fun like yesterday pumpkin…”

“I hate pumpkin so don’t call me that…”

“It’s healthy ama you want me to say Malenge???”

“I can’t come tomorrow I have a meeting at 8am…”

“Fine, I am coming in a few do don’t sleep…”

As usual after sex instead of us talking and cuddling he was busy on his phone…

“Norman, I have something that is bothering me…”

“You can tell Lisa about it….” He shrugged.

“But I want to tell you since you are here…”

“Emma, I am tired. We have just had two hours of pleasure and all you do is just moan and turn. I do all the work.”

“But I need a shoulder to lean on????” I sobbed..

“There you have a pillow so let me rest in peace…”He turned the other direction and slept..

****

“What he didn’t introduce you to his pals???”Lisa asked as we waited for Vicky at the airport.

“I feel like more of a sex toy to him…”

“Boo yes you are. You are an upgraded side chic…”Lisa replied…

When I was about to confess about me cooking for his friends, we spotted Vicky in a crowd..

“Vicky!!!”We ran towards her..

“How are my best friends doing??”

“One is a sex toy and the other is sex thirst…”Lisa commented.

“So Emma you still allowing this guy to treat you like trash???”Vicky asked..

“It’s not like he is raping me. I enjoy reaching cloud 9 and this bitch deserves good sex…”

“You need redemption girl…”Vicky rolled her eyes as we got into the car…

A week passed and Norman hadn’t called or even texted.. Everytime I tried to reach him, it was number busy..

Saturday being my day off, I decided to go look if he is okay.

You can’t believe the nerve of that man, him and Ariana were on the sofa playing video games and here I was worrying sick.

Suicidal love(Part 6)

Regrets… My dreams weren’t fulfilled…My soul wasn’t at peace…I didn’t have the right to blame the society since I was responsible for my actions…

I almost once gotten beaten up for being with a married man. I lost everything in a snap, in a blink all my toyboys were gone and I was alone to bear the shame and guilt. Those who claimed to be my friends called me less and never texted back… The harsh reality of life…

Maybe I needed to be guided back then but that wasn’t an excuse…

My life was a nightmare. I couldn’t get a better job because of my results….I had to do works that made me feel inferior. Works that didn’t me whole…

I craved a family, a normal girl’s life but i wasn’t sure it was possible…

Hannah was doing well, nothing changed in her life. Yes she got married to an old man and fate was lenient with her…

“Hannah, how comes your life is so good????”

“Smart moves honey….”

“Don’t you feel bad about the abortions we did back in school???”

“I never aborted…I always told you that to feel better….”

“What????”I was shocked that my heart missed a beat….

“Yeah, I always used protection….”

She said confidently and I staggered back.

“Why did you not tell me???”

“Sometimes experience is the best teacher. I have to go to a meeting. Bye…”

And like that she left…

Was I a fool????Or a girl who had put her brains In the pocket…

All this while I thought we were partners in crime but I was all alone making bad choices in life.

I would have done better. I would have been a better human being. I would still be a role model to many if I had guidance… Parents guide your children before they go to Campus before Campus guides them…

In the attempt to have a baby, I slept around but still had almost six miscarriages but who was I to complain whereas I deserved it… I tried looking for Ian to take me back but he was married with two kids.

That would have been me if I had been courageous enough to bear the consequences of my action but I chose shortcuts…

Finally Fate became linient and I got myself a come we stay husband…He was a daily drinking officer who worked as a broker… My parents were always worried but they just had to let me have a dose of my own medicine….

When you don’t set your standards you settle for anything. Maybe I was happy or maybe I wasn’t…

But then I was blessed with a baby girl who was healthy and beautiful after praying and fasting. I was pleading with God for another chance, although I know I didn’t deserve it but I needed to hold my angel in my arms……Hannah yes, she had it all but she had no kids to call her own…

I made bad choices and I am living them. You will be who you do today…. I had a suicidal love for luxury and money and it almost finished me…

My advice.

Abortion is never the answer. Learn to take responsibilities of your action… Mistakes are made but what you do about it is all that matters.

Society should work more to shape teenagers for the future. Is not always about the books and being Successful but living a life that will make you successful.

Janet thought living life was the answer but there was more to that. She was more focused to living life that she forgot about her dreams…

Campus life is very tricky is either you be smart or it will outsmart you…Girls strive to be boss ladies and not slayqueens. Strive to be big people tomorrow . Let it not be the only thing you are best at is smoking sisha… Sponsors will always be there to suck your waters dry. Its up to you to make wise decisions….

Say no to bad influence and poor choices. Let’s make smart moves…

Suicidal love(Part 5)

Who was the father of my baby????Was it the toyboy or my sponsor????

I didn’t even bother asking the toyboy, that guy had nothing to his name not even boxers… His work was to do my assignments and mark my attendance and having the sweet cookie was the payment….

The sponsor, he came up with the excuse mara he wasn’t ready. He doesn’t want us to have kids before we get married. He first wants to divorce his wife….Such nonsense and so on and so forth….

I believed the old man and felt like he loved me…Fantasies of how I would be the heir of his throne that is if even he had one….

I continued with my lifestyle and vowed no one was going to pull me down…

No one was going to stop me from partying in the most expensive clubs, wearing designer clothes, living in the best hoods….No one…

People begun gossiping about the good girl gone bad and I didn’t care…I thought Romans said Thou shall not condemn. I used that to make myself feel better which was worse that trying not to feel better…

I aborted my second baby and this time I didn’t need someone to tell me I was wrong. I felt like it was the best thing to do. The baby was more of a hindrance to a good life.

The old man would sometimes give me his car to go show off in school and I always had a success speech ready. Work hard while you are young…

His promises still got the better of me. I believed his wife was awful. He would marry me. He loved me. He has never had a woman like me blahblahblah!!!! But then there was a turn of events…

That old man was nothing. His wife was the one from a rich family and all she did was give him a liberty to taste the good life… He took advantage of that and begun luring small girls with his “hard earned money” douche bag. So like that I lost the luxurious life but i wasn’t ready to go back to the filthy life…

I stayed at Hannah’s place for a while and vowed to get another rich man soon….

Yeah and it happened, I didn’t someone reminding that I had to have a sponsor to survive whereas I had learned some cheap stunts to get one..

I got back on my feet and life moved on.. I contracted Chlamydia which I knew from the strong smell from my cookie, the pain when I pee and with immediate effect I begun treatment and dumped the nigga…

Finally I was done with school and got a Pass. My parents were shocked but I didn’t care…They expected more but the milk had been spilled… Hannah had gotten a second class upper and immediately got a job through one of her sponsors…

On the other hand I had very useless sponsors…They were good at making me live good and I was a stupid asshole not to invest. She seemed to have a better life or maybe she was smart and I was still an amateur in this game….

The sponsors were there to drain my waters but I reached a point I needed to settle and have a family. With other three abortions done and condom not in my dictionary, I got pregnant again but this time I wanted to keep it but I lost it in my second trimester(6months) For once in my miserable life I was heartbroken….